Separation Anxiety - Raising a Secure and Confident Child

As parents we all intend to raise our children to be happy, secure and self confident, so is there anything we can do to lessen the trauma of separation anxiety and stop it from becoming a real problem? 

Self confidence and emotional security are necessary to help us to lead happy, successful lives. A child in a loving and encouraging home environment will develop confidence and security at an early age and will increasingly be able to tackle life on her own and accept new challenges. These abilities enable her to develop emotionally, mentally and physically. She will learn to trust her feelings and understand those of others; as she gains confidence in her abilities she will realise she is capable of tackling new things and she will become more adept at doing them on her own. If a child does not feel safe and secure in her environment she will not develop confidence in the same way, which can leave her feeling insecure and anxious.

All children suffer from separation anxiety at one stage or another due to a fear that if their mother, or regular caregiver, leaves them she may never come back, or because they would actually just prefer to be with the person they love the most. Separation anxiety is a normal developmental issue for children between the ages of eight months and two years; it is something that every parent deals with in one way or another. It only becomes a real problem when children continue to suffer as they grow older or when it affects other areas of their life. So how do we determine whether our children are dealing with developmentally normal separation anxiety or a problem that requires greater intervention?

The symptoms of separation anxiety disorder

According to the Columbia University Medical Centre the following symptoms can be a sign of Separation Anxiety disorder:

refusal to sleep alone
repeated nightmares with a theme of separation
excessive distress when separation from home or family occurs or is anticipated
excessive worry about the safety of a family member
excessive worry about getting lost from family
refusing to go to school
fearful and reluctant to be alone
frequent stomach aches, headaches, or other physical complaints
muscle aches or tension
excessive worry about safety of self
excessive worry about or when sleeping away from home
excessive "clinginess," even when at home
symptoms of panic and/or temper tantrums at times of separation from parents or caregivers

Possible causes of separation anxiety disorder

The Columbia University Medical Centre have found that biological, family, and environmental factors all contribute to the cause of anxiety disorders:

·         An imbalance in the brain of the two chemicals norepinephrine and serotonin is a known contributor to the cause of anxiety disorders

·         Children can inherit a tendency to be anxious

·         Anxiety can be learned if a child is in an environment where adults often display anxious behaviour

·         A traumatic experience such as divorce, loss of a family member or serious illness may also trigger anxiety

When is professional intervention necessary?

If Separation anxiety becomes a regular and insistent problem for you or your child there are many avenues to take to seek the help that you need. When it comes to very small children, only one or two years old, Well Baby Clinic Sisters are a fountain of knowledge on the steps you can take to help your child overcome her

fear and anxiety. Also many clinical social workers can be of invaluable assistance. Sandy Candotti is an Educational Psychologist at a private practice in Hillcrest, KZN. Sandy has been practicing Psychology for over 26 years and has encountered many children suffering from separation anxiety. Ms Candotti recommends seeking professional advice if you and your child are not managing to overcome the anxiety of being apart. “With very young children play therapy is used to build up a relationship and encourage the child to express through actions what they feel when they are left behind by their parent.” Sandy believes it is important to build a relationship with the child before attempting to tackle the actual issue as trust is vital between the child and the psychologist. She also advises that it is important that first the mother and then both parents, where possible, become involved in the therapy so that the family can work together to overcome the anxiety. In severe cases, where disrupted sleep patterns are causing even greater problems, only then should a very short term medication be prescribed to help regulate the sleep patterns, so that the main issue can be dealt with effectively.

What can parents do to help?

Children who feel secure and confident in their environment are more flexible when it comes to change and are better equipped to deal with new or difficult experiences. An emotionally secure child will have developed trust in her caregivers which will help her to realise very quickly that even though they have left her they will come back for her. Three great tools that we can use as parents are: establishing routine, setting boundaries and letting your child know that her emotions are valid.

Give your baby routine

From a few weeks old it is possible to start a routine for an infant. One of the best ways of making a newborn’s routine a success is to let her lead the way. Understanding and following her routine will establish the feeling of trust that is vital in the development of an emotionally secure and confident child. She will quickly learn that the world is a responsive, predictable place and she will be happy. 

Helen Spalding is a mother to two children, a nursing sister and has owned and been running a preschool for the last 14 years. She believes that the most important thing you can do for a child is to stick to their routine. “I can always tell which children have a routine at home and which don’t. The ones who have routine adapt quickly to the school day and feel balanced and comfortable, those who are not used to routine constantly feel unsure of themselves. A child will feel secure if they know what to expect, and routine gives them that, it gives them a sense of control over their lives which builds self confidence.”

The timing of your routine can vary as long as each activity, such as bathing before bed, follows on so that your child feels prepared and is therefore comfortable and secure. Helen reinforces this by saying “Small children do not understand time, but if they know what follows each activity in their day they will have confidence in their actions.” 

Set Boundaries

Once your child starts to learn about behaviour it is important for you to start setting boundaries to help her learn how to behave. This is important because the world is a very big place to a small child and if they have a frame of reference within which to learn and play they can be confident that they are safe to do so. 

Helen advises to lead by example. “From a very young age a child learns behaviour by copying the people around her, so if you expect certain behaviour, you can encourage your child to adhere to it by behaving that way yourself”. When reading stories to your child, for example, turn the pages carefully and gently and she will learn the same behaviour and will take care, when reading books, not to tear the pages.

Being consistent with the setting and maintaining of boundaries is also very important to let her know where she stands. Regularly giving in to demands will leave your child confused and uncertain. Helen acknowledges this “Stick to your beliefs. If your child is not allowed something at one time, don’t be swayed to give it to her at another. You can make this easier for your child by letting people know what she is or is not allowed and asking them not to offer it to her. And give her a treat that she is allowed, so that she has something special of her own and is not tempted by what others are having.” Maintaining your rules shows your child that you are also secure and confident and she will learn from your behaviour too. 

All children push boundaries at some time or another and one of the reasons for this is to establish that they are still there and that they are still safe within them. Though it is always good to be flexible, establishing and maintaining boundaries lets your child know where she stands and gives her the freedom to develop in a secure environment.

Validate emotions

As adults we have good days and bad days; we feel frustrated, irritable, and happy, overwhelmed, positive and every other type of emotion. Knowledge and experience have taught us how to cope with these emotions. In order to teach your child how to cope with her emotions it is important to let her know that they are valid, and that there are ways of expressing emotions that help us to overcome difficult situations.

Validating a child’s emotions teaches her that it is normal to feel different things and that she can have a good reason for doing so. It is always useful to explain her feelings and show her different ways of dealing with them. Helen recommends labelling the emotion so that your child has a reference for the next time she feels that way, and offer her options for ways to deal with it.  A child who learns to understand and deal with her emotions will learn to cope better with the world around her, so she will feel confident and secure in her environment. 

Nurturing self confidence and emotional security in your child can help to overcome a natural predisposition for shyness and insecurity. By establishing a routine for each day, setting boundaries within which she can learn how to behave and letting her know that her emotions are valid you will be on the right path to raising a secure and confident child. With these building blocks your child will feel secure in her world and will be less likely to feel extreme anxiety when you say good bye in the morning.